For advice on possum control, Mary Bernard turned to the logical choice: That guy who writes stuff in the newspaper.
Here’s an excerpt from an e-mail I received from Mary, a resident of Morganton, N.C.:
“Since moving (here) 10 years ago, we have been able to see butterflies and hummingbirds, and lizards and frogs that we didn’t see very often or at all up North. Some of the little critters we would like to see less of.
“Attached is a photograph of one of the many little opossums that have taken a shine to our family home recently. ... They (at least one brave soul) were able to move from one end of the house to the far end, enter the master bedroom area and find our computer desk. ... The animal control officer showed both sons how to don leather gloves and pick up little baby opossum by the tail and carry him out. Swinging he/she a little too fast, it managed to move itself up enough to bite the officer’s fingers and get away. Could it be that he/she is the same one that my son took out of the living room this past week? Or maybe he/she is the one my husband didn’t manage to catch last night while he stayed up all night with the golf club nearby. I apparently did not make the eviction notice serious enough for them to take notice.
“Does anyone have any thoughts on how to make our home LESS welcoming? I happen to be a nature lover, but would much prefer to see the little critters outside on the road ... crossing to someone else’s home for a little excitement.”
First, Mary, the possums didn’t understand your eviction notice because you mistakenly placed the “o” in front of their name, which, by law, is dropped once one slips below the Mason-Dixon line.
It is fortunate, however, that you turned to me for help because I’ve just launched a new side venture, Scott’s Possum Removal Service and Residential Marsupial Proofing Inc.
Here’s a portion of my 30-minute infomercial, which airs at 4 a.m. between a Bowflex spot and a pitch for the new George Foreman Ab Blaster. This script should answer your questions:
Is your home like Mary Bernard’s, infested with thousands and thousands of possums, some of which gnaw the fingers off animal control officers?
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Hi, I’m Scott Hollifield of Scott’s Possum Removal Service and Residential Marsupial Proofing Inc. None of us should have to live with possums. It says so in the Constitution, just below the part that bans gay marriage.
If you’ve got a possum problem, I or one of my trained professional relatives will come to your home and solve it. Guaranteed or double your possums back!
We use state-of-the-art methods, such as yelling at the possum and chasing it out the door with a broom, grabbing the possum, throwing it in a sack and taking it outside or sealing your house in an airtight polyurethane tent and pumping it full of surplus military nerve gas we bought off the Internet. No more possums!
But wait - there’s more! We will even marsupial-proof your home, using quality building materials we found behind a Stuckey’s that burned down. Not only will your residence be possum-free, you won’t have to worry about koalas in your kitchen, kangaroos in your closets, wombats in your wet bar or bandicoots in your bathroom.
What are you waiting for? Knock that possum off the phone and call within the next 30 minutes and we’ll remove 10 possums for the price of nine. That’s a $20 value! Don’t be like Mary Bernard, so frustrated by her possum problem that she turned to some guy who writes stuff in the newspaper. Call the professionals at Scott’s Possum Removal Service and Residential Marsupial Proofing Inc.
Remember, if it’s got a pouch, we make it say ouch.
Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C.
